It’s disempowering to believe things happen “to you.” That mindset makes you a victim of your circumstances.
What happens if you believe life happens “for you” instead? You empower yourself to make decisions that change your situation and take advantage of the lessons and opportunities presented by each personal experience.
Stop Giving Away Your Power
My clients typically don’t like it when I point out that they are victims of their circumstances. But so many of us give our power to something outside ourselves, like our relationships, jobs, bosses, parents, or financial situation. We even allow our health, emotional state, or mental condition to jail us.
For example, you might say, “I can’t quit my job because I need the money.” In this case, you perceive money as holding power over you, and that fact stops you from finding work you enjoy. The truth is that you have the power to find a new job. Then, you can quit your old job.
Or you might say, “I can’t lose weight because I don’t have time to exercise.” You are now the victim of time. However, if you stand in your power, you realize you can lose weight by changing your eating habits, prioritizing exercise over watching television, or not hitting the snooze button three times each morning.
I used to think my failing marriage was my husband’s fault. I allowed myself to become a victim of the circumstances of our life together. I didn’t think I could leave the marriage because I was not financially independent.
Then, I realized I was free to make choices, including leaving the marriage and finding a way to earn more money. I had the power and ability to change myself and my circumstances. That insight changed everything for me and saved my marriage.
It’s All Happening For You
As long as you continue believing “Everything is happening to me,” you remain powerless. If you shift your belief to “It’s all happening for me,” everything changes.
From this perspective, all your circumstances and experiences become gifts. You can perceive even the ones you don’t like or wouldn’t wish upon anyone as lessons and opportunities for growth.
For instance, that job you can’t leave because you need the income becomes a chance for you to develop the courage and strength to go after a new job you will enjoy…and that might even offer higher pay. You might have to grow into a new job, thus learning new skills to help you continue advancing your career.
And your belief that you don’t have time to exercise and lose weight becomes a lesson in time management. It also allows you to take responsibility for your schedule and health—to grow into someone committed to your health.
These circumstances are happening so you realize you have the power and freedom to change. They are opportunities for you to heal and grow.
Opportunities Exist in Experiences and Circumstances
It improved when I saw my failing marriage as an opportunity to change myself and heal my relationship with my husband—and I took responsibility for my part in the problems. Once I got out of victimhood, I realized I could make more money, too. I could heal my relationship with my career and business and support myself financially.
I realized nothing was keeping me in the marriage except my fear (and desire to make it work). So, I called a friend and asked if I could stay at her home until I got on my feet financially. I took my power back and made an exit plan. Thankfully, I never had to use it.
Taking back my power offered me an important lesson: I did not have to feel stuck because I wasn’t stuck. I wasn’t a victim; I had the power to make choices and take action to change my life.
The same is true for you.
You Can Change Your Circumstances
Every circumstance can be seen as either something you can’t change or something you can. Each time you choose to change it, you grow and learn.
Even the experiences you have that are out of your control offer opportunities for healing and growth. You won’t feel like a victim if you remember you have the power to choose how to respond to the situation.
While you can’t change the past—what has already happened—you can change the future. You do that in the present moment by standing in your power and taking action to create what you desire.
Stop Seeing Yourself as a Survivor
If you continue seeing yourself as a victim, you will always feel as if you have survived something. Think about it this way: When people are the victim of abuse or a crime, they often go through life saying they survived that experience.
And they did. And so they call themselves survivors. They say, “I am a survivor,” and that becomes their identity.
We are taught that it is a good thing to be a survivor. Being a survivor exhibits strength and resilience.
However, if you go through life seeing yourself as a survivor, you also perceive yourself as a victim. The two go hand in hand. And victims are powerless.
It Either Happened to You or For You
Imagine that you were the victim of a crime. Maybe you exercised your power at the moment that crime was perpetrated, and as a result, you survived that experience.
You now have the opportunity to see this crime as something that happened to you or for you. If it happened to you, you remain a victim. That becomes your identity—I am a victim. Because you survived, you also see yourself as a survivor—I am a survivor.
You may have learned something in the process, but you are now stuck being someone who survived a crime and survived being victimized.
On the other hand, if this experience happened for you—if the crime was an opportunity for growth, healing, and learning—your resulting identity will be much different. You may see yourself as someone strong, intelligent, resilient, or good under pressure.
And you may ask yourself, “What can I learn from this experience?” Or “What opportunities for growth and healing did this experience hold for me?”
But you won’t hold onto being a victim. Instead, you retain your personal power. Maybe you even become someone who thrives. Your new identity will be “I am a thriver.”
Life Always Happens for You
That can only happen if you see circumstances and experiences as happening for you. And life can’t happen for you some of the time but not all of the time. It’s one way or the other.
So, decide: Is life happening for you or to you?
If it happens to you, you will always feel powerless to change yourself or your life. You will always be a victim.
If life is happening for you, you will always feel powerful enough to change yourself or your life. And you will always be a thriver with the power, freedom, and opportunity to change, grow, and heal because of your experiences and circumstances.
And that changes everything.
Do you believe life is happening to you or for you? Please tell me in a comment below, and share this post with someone who might benefit from reading it.
Photo courtesy of alexandrmusuc.
